Letters

Dear brilliant scientist who discovered the planets in our solar system and therefore got to name them,
You have clearly spent very little time in a 5th grade science class, otherwise it would never have crossed your mind to name a planet Uranus. Seriously. Uranus? Plenty of Roman gods and goddesses out there in ancient lore and you choose Uranus. You can't even try putting emphasis on a different syllable, then it just sounds very close to urine. However, I did have a brief epiphany while reading about this rather unfortunately-named planet with my class of 20 11-year-olds. The entire planet is made mostly of methane gas (true scientists please do not leave me angry comments about how unfounded my statements are, it's 5th grade), which, if I am not mistaken, smells rather rank to the human olfactory nerve. So basically, Uranus smells like... a butt. I got about halfway through this thought process verbally before I realized I should not be sharing this with my students. Oh well.


Dear recess duty,
I despise you. It's too hot. It's too cold. The wind blows my hair so many different directions that by the time I get inside my fingers get stuck in my hair as I try to untangle. It's dusty. It's too bright. The kids wwaaaayyyy down there are trying to get passing cars to honk. Is that ok? Does it merit a hike all the way down there, therefore leaving the rest of the playground unwatched? Those kids over there are going the wrong way up the slide. By the time I get over there they will be gone. Can't they just enjoy gravity? Why fight it? Those kids over there are climbing the tetherball pole because it has wrapped itself around the chain way up at the top of the pole and it is now stuck. I walk over to assist but they have unwound it by the time I get there. Those kids are playing tackle basketball. Unlike everyone else, they are much closer to my post so they get a whistle and a solemn promise that they are about to lose basketball privileges. Those boys over there would be causing much less trouble if they had a football to play with. Where is that dang football? I could let them go inside and grab the one the kid in my class illegally brings to school for such a time as this, but that would be breaking the no-balls-from-home rule. I said balls. Hehe. Oooo, that kid just bit it hard. Tears? Blood? Nope. Good job. Walk it off. Those two kids just collided at a full sprint. This is why we don't play tag in the wood chip area. And my favorite: "Jimmy is trying to get us out on purpose in 4-square". Pause... and? Apparently that's against the rules. "Tommy called me a bad name". Well, were you acting like that bad word? Did you throw rocks at him first or tell him he had no eyebrows? Don't laugh, it happens frequently. Which leads to the weekly playground prayer: "Dear God, LET THE BELL RING!"


Dear fellow dance class members,
Can you move your arms that fast? I think that my long limbs put me at a disadvantage. I think that I can scientifically prove that it takes longer for my long arms to wave back and forth than it does for people with shorter arms. No offense. Oh, by the way, my digestional tract is unhappy this evening so try not to stand downwind, especially during the bouncy numbers.

4 Reasons Why

I feel bad that I only post during spring break, so I will throw out a few random thoughts.

4 Reasons Why...

I love the YMCA:
1. As I was washing my hands I got to read a tract telling me about Jesus
2. There is a sticker on one of the locker doors that says "I got it, did you?" and I giggle to myself every time I read it thinking of all the things it could be referring to
3. The oversized shower curtain that hangs in the little changing stall thing in the locker room. It is always plenty wide enough to provide privacy
4. Their pool is warmer than most
5. Very few really-in-shape-and-extremely-model-like folk work out there. They all go to the fancier gyms
6. No kids are allowed in the locker room. Call me Scrooge but at the end of the day I don't want to deal with small children frolicking about in the locker room
7. No one judges me for listing 7 things when I said I would give 4
8. No one in Zumba can dance
9. The lady in my dance aerobics class that looks just like Rice from the movie Beethoven.

Things I don't like about the YMCA...
1. Naked old ladies in the locker room. Seriously, the other day I went to the bathroom in the locker room, and when I came out there was this older lady showering in the stall by the toilet stalls and her shower stuff was sitting on a table across the room. So when she needed shampoo or soap she would just trot her nude self across the room to get it, then walk back to the shower. I actually had to say "excuse me" to walk by her to get to the pool. Gross!
2. The shower curtains on the shower stalls are never wide enough to cover the entrance. There are always large cracks in your stall coverage.
3. The toilets flush before you are done. And once they start flushing they will keep flushing until you leave. Pushy.

Things I have heard about from my students this week...
1. How Jimmy (fake name) got a black eye
2. Tommy (fake name) is going to the Alamo this weekend
3. Shirley's (fake name) dad had surgery yesterday, but he gets to come home today
4. Jenny (fake name) has a cat named Freddie Cruger
5. "Oops, sorry, just hit you with my mohawk"
6. "Jake (fake name) says your hair looks nice today. He was too scared to tell you."
7. One kid showed my part of the book he was reading and I am still laughing. It was one of those chapter books with funny comic-style pictures in it. The page he showed me was titled "delights you can find at a garage sale" and it listed "a box of old shoes that will go perfectly with your hobo outfit, a top-of-the-line washing maching door, and no-longer-legal kids' toys (beside which there was a picture of a rather pointy action figure who was called "Mr. Puncture"). I laughed.

Strange moments this week...
1. This morning I was standing with my back to the class and if I didn't know my kids were there I would have sworn I was alone cuz they were so quiet. Not typical for fifth graders in April.
2. One of my more... expressive... students wore a rather large gift wrap bow on her head as an accessory. I wanted to tell the PE teacher that while they were doing archery they could pretend they were William Tell and practice shooting it off her head.
3. In an essay one of my boys suggested that they be allowed to bring their balls to school. You know, soccer balls, foot balls...

All right, I am all listed out. Plus I am horrible at picking a number of things to list and sticking to it. Some things I only have two or three things to write, while others just keep on coming. But hey, at least I blogged. Take that Uncle Stephen!

WHAT IS THAT SMELL?!?!

There is a funk in my house. I don't know where it is coming from. I started smelling it last night when I got home from my day out and about, so I don't know if there was just something percolating in my trash and after a long day away it was very noticeable when I got home, or if it coincided with the return of my husband from his mini camping trip. I thought that maybe if I went to sleep that in the morning it would be better. I was mistaken. I am breathing in short gasps as I sit here on the couch typing. Maybe it's just my overly-sensitive olfactory nerve that is the problem. I tried taking the trash out (and by "taking the trash out" I mean that I pulled the bag out of the trash can, tied it shut, then set it outside the front door for someone who is not in their robe and pj's to carry to the curb). Smell is still here. I'm thinking that maybe I need to wipe out the trash can with bleach or something, like maybe the smell is living inside the plastic itself. Riley keeps saying that someday we will get a "nice" trash can, but I can't bring myself to pay $80 for a metal comtainer that holds my trash and which usually doesn't have as much space as my cheap plastic one. So I guess I will just clean out the one I have, though really, who likes sticking their arm and torso down in there? We'll see. I could also try doing the dishes (though really, there aren't that many and I have done them recently) or bathing the dog (we did that three days ago and I don't think this is a doggy smell). But whatever happens, that funk needs to leave!

Meanwhile I am gazing outside at the sunshine, waiting for the temperature to rise so that I can spend virtually my entire day outside soaking up the sun's rays. Should I help Riley with his shed? Plant some flowers? Build a slightly raised bed for planting edible things (I am not a huge veggie fan but I have a strong desire to have a strawberry patch)? Ride my mountain bike? Run at the park? So many options! But despite the fact that today should be in at least the upper 60's, those kill-joys on the news insist that tomorrow is going to be blizzardy. Blech. I refuse to believe it. But I am still going to take full advantage of this beautiful day... as soon as I take care of that SMELL!!!

My back and our shed

My back hurts. Even when I sleep. I can only fall asleep on my back because everything else hurts (but hey, at least I can sleep on my back without making weird puffing noises). When I wake up in the middle of the night, lying on my back hurts. Ironically I can now sleep on my stomach which used to give me neck headaches. Is this supposed to happen at 24? My chiropractor says I need to stretch really well because my hamstrings and other butt-related muscles are attached to my lower back where it is hurting and if I stretch that part of my spine will not get pulled on so much. You would think that would make me go "relief? I'll do that right now!" and spend most of my day stretching. And yet I really don't stretch at all. Isn't it weird how some people can be so lazy that they don't even do things that will get them out of pain?

Moving on to other non-depressing items. There is a shed growing in my back yard! For those of you who don't know my husband and I have a small fleet of bicycles that are currently living in a friend's shed and in our man den (which now has no room for manliness because of all the bikes). I bet most of you didn't know that you could have a bike that is specific to dirt jumps or trail riding or cruising to Starbucks or road riding or pointing yourself down a mountain and not dying. We have all of those. Some of them more than once. So when we moved into our house that we own (I guess technically the bank still owns most of it) we decided we needed to build a shed for our bikes in the back yard. That was almost two years ago. About a year ago Riley and his dad built a beautiful floor. We ooooed and aaahhhhhed over it, and when it began to rain we quickly covered it with tarps and tried to weight down the corners so that it wouldn't get ruined. Then nothing really happened after that, except that the wind blew corners of the tarp up and leaves and water started collecting on it and we looked at it and said, "it'll be fine". We didn't have the resources to continue. Then we didn't have the time. Then we didn't have any help from anyone who REALLY knew what they were doing. Anyhow, that all changed this week. Riley's dad came over Monday morning and took Riley to Home Depot to gather supplies, and they got started. Over the past few days the floor of our shed has grown three walls, one with a window and walls, the other two just framed. This morning Riley and one of his buddies is putting up wall number four complete with window and door holes. I am very excited. Now our bikes can live outside where they belong and the mower and weedeater don't have to sit on the side of the house and look trashy (not that you would notice in our neighborhood where people have massive windchime collections and cook fish in a barrel fire in their driveway or have so many lawn ornaments that you are often startled by their dog who you didn't notice standing over there by that gnome). If I had a camera that worked I would take pictures of the progress and show you. But alas, my camera has stopped focusing and Riley's bounced down about twenty feet of rock. Oops. Well, now I am off to get my house cleaned up and go get my hair cut. Hooray!

Dear cowsins

This blog post is dedicated to Cori and Ali.

Dear cowsins,
You should come here semi-permanently. We have much fun. Here are my reasons why:

1. We have a cute baby that you can play with. And she is going to be approaching the age where you can teach her to say all kinds of weird and borderline-inappropriate things. It will be fun. Perhaps she will make weird noises.
2. We could Zumba together. Nothing brings family together like exercise and booty-shaking.
3. The last Harry Potter movie should come out within the next year and Tessa and I need people to go see it with who know the difference between between a quaffle and a snitch.
4. All of my friends are moving away and I will be lonely
5. There is this bakery somewhere in Piedmont (I think) that makes beautiful cookies that taste fantastic. And someone usually gives the office staff some on special occasions (so your mom can save you some).
6. People in Oklahoma don't smoke weed like the folks in Colorado do (we prefer meth here).
7. Less snow, more blood circulation
8. Your dogs live here:)
9. You are way closer to free food and someone who might to your laundry if you play your cards right.
10. Your cousins and aunt and uncle and grans live here:)

So there you have it. Now I am going to go eat more chips.

Spring break

Update on my odyssey to become physically fit: decided to work out yesterday, and since I hadn't done anything too strenuous in a few days I decided to really make this one count. So I put on some stretchy pants and headed out to the Y. I decided to start on the treadmill and started jogging. Of course I had to check out everyone else's distance and speed and time and compare it to my own as I started. Out of the eight or so others who were also treadmilling at various speeds, most of them were older, less-fit-looking, and basically unintimidating (yes, I am shallow and judgmental). Careful glances at those directly adjoining me assured me that I was the superior being. Look right: Ah, I see we are just going for a casual stroll today. Look left: Oo, a runner... but only for a few minutes. Pity. Then she came in. I could tell by the healthy tone of her hamstrings that she was a runner and that she was going to come right to the treadmill next to me where I was busy congratulating myself on being the queen of the gym as I passed minute 20 of my run. Sure enough, Ms. Hamstring came right where I thought she would and promptly started running. And man did she run. I was trotting along at a brisk 5.4 miles per hour. This chick was sprinting at an astounding 7.4. Geez. I felt my self confidence fading. I was slow. I wouldn't be able to make it that far. Who was I kidding? Then she grabbed onto the side handles and hopped off onto the side runners as the belt continued to spin. Apparently her shoe needed to be retied. After it was fixed she hopped back on and continued running. Not more than two minutes later she hopped off again. This time it was her hair. She adjusted her bobby pin and continued. Hmm. Another 90 seconds and this time she had to redo the whole ponytail. As I continued to watch her from the corner of my eye my confidence returned. She didn't go more than two minutes at a time without retying a shoe, fixing a bobby pin or redoing her ponytail. Her speed was still impressive but her stamina was not what I was fearing. Just another example of how shallow and self-conscious I am. Oh well, I finished my run, did thirty minutes on the elliptical, then jumped in the pool. And yet I am not sore today. Makes me feel like I didn't even do anything. I'll try harder next time.

And finally... it is spring break. After the Y I was picked up by my wonderful family and whisked off to go see Alice in Wonderland. Good movie. Kind of trippy. I can't figure out how Johnny Depp can suddenly have a big gap between his two front teeth. Then a nice afternoon nap and dinner at Ken's with the other side of the fam. This morning was church, lunch with the 'rents, another nice nap, dinner, and a movie while curled up on the couch with my hubby. The best part? It doesn't matter when I get up in the morning. It causes me pure joy to know that if I wake up at ten til six tomorrow I can turn over and go right back to sleep. No students. No grades (well, I do have stuff to do, just not right away). No plans. It's whatever my heart desires :). Sigh.

Stuff

Did you know that chocolate oranges are not really orange slices dipped in cohcolate?! Who knew! When you pull it out of the box there is a sticker on it that says "burst to enjoy" or something like that. Again, too lazy to get up and go check. Which led me to the question, how do you "burst" a chocolate orange? I banged it against the counter multiple times and nothing seemed to "burst". I finally just unwrapped it and pulled it apart. I am unsure as to whether or not that had anything to do with my attempts at bursting. Whatever, it's chocolate and it fits in my mouth.

In other news, spring break begins in approximately 20 hours. And yes, I am counting. Trying not to count minutes. Seriously, if I make it through tomorrow without killing any young children it will be a miracle. "No, you can't call your parents to get cough drops. Yes, go to the bathroom, but if some other kid comes and tells me you have been throwing wet paper towels at the ceiling again you will never pee at school again. To be honest I really don't want to hear your story right now. Congrats on the new hampster. Yes, you may go to the library. No, ice will not help your papercut. You're going to be absent when? And don't you DARE tell me you "think" you left your spelling packet at home." Sigh. My thoughts no longer go in orderly processes through my head, they run screaming through the crowded parking lot that is now my brain, smashing windshields, throwing rotten fruit, and setting off car alarms. I can hardly keep from twitching by the end of the day. 19 hours and 40 minutes now!

Thursday is my swimming night. I should be changing right now. I am exhausted. My stomach is rebelling. Just ate dinner. American Idol is on (really that was just the only thing on, it isn't exactly my favorite show). Papers to grade. Decisions to make. Do I give those filthy kids a break and make up grades for missing papers to put in the grade book, or should I give them zeros like I said I would? Deeper sigh. I think I am going to attempt to swim then come back to the grades.