Letters

Dear brilliant scientist who discovered the planets in our solar system and therefore got to name them,
You have clearly spent very little time in a 5th grade science class, otherwise it would never have crossed your mind to name a planet Uranus. Seriously. Uranus? Plenty of Roman gods and goddesses out there in ancient lore and you choose Uranus. You can't even try putting emphasis on a different syllable, then it just sounds very close to urine. However, I did have a brief epiphany while reading about this rather unfortunately-named planet with my class of 20 11-year-olds. The entire planet is made mostly of methane gas (true scientists please do not leave me angry comments about how unfounded my statements are, it's 5th grade), which, if I am not mistaken, smells rather rank to the human olfactory nerve. So basically, Uranus smells like... a butt. I got about halfway through this thought process verbally before I realized I should not be sharing this with my students. Oh well.


Dear recess duty,
I despise you. It's too hot. It's too cold. The wind blows my hair so many different directions that by the time I get inside my fingers get stuck in my hair as I try to untangle. It's dusty. It's too bright. The kids wwaaaayyyy down there are trying to get passing cars to honk. Is that ok? Does it merit a hike all the way down there, therefore leaving the rest of the playground unwatched? Those kids over there are going the wrong way up the slide. By the time I get over there they will be gone. Can't they just enjoy gravity? Why fight it? Those kids over there are climbing the tetherball pole because it has wrapped itself around the chain way up at the top of the pole and it is now stuck. I walk over to assist but they have unwound it by the time I get there. Those kids are playing tackle basketball. Unlike everyone else, they are much closer to my post so they get a whistle and a solemn promise that they are about to lose basketball privileges. Those boys over there would be causing much less trouble if they had a football to play with. Where is that dang football? I could let them go inside and grab the one the kid in my class illegally brings to school for such a time as this, but that would be breaking the no-balls-from-home rule. I said balls. Hehe. Oooo, that kid just bit it hard. Tears? Blood? Nope. Good job. Walk it off. Those two kids just collided at a full sprint. This is why we don't play tag in the wood chip area. And my favorite: "Jimmy is trying to get us out on purpose in 4-square". Pause... and? Apparently that's against the rules. "Tommy called me a bad name". Well, were you acting like that bad word? Did you throw rocks at him first or tell him he had no eyebrows? Don't laugh, it happens frequently. Which leads to the weekly playground prayer: "Dear God, LET THE BELL RING!"


Dear fellow dance class members,
Can you move your arms that fast? I think that my long limbs put me at a disadvantage. I think that I can scientifically prove that it takes longer for my long arms to wave back and forth than it does for people with shorter arms. No offense. Oh, by the way, my digestional tract is unhappy this evening so try not to stand downwind, especially during the bouncy numbers.

4 Reasons Why

I feel bad that I only post during spring break, so I will throw out a few random thoughts.

4 Reasons Why...

I love the YMCA:
1. As I was washing my hands I got to read a tract telling me about Jesus
2. There is a sticker on one of the locker doors that says "I got it, did you?" and I giggle to myself every time I read it thinking of all the things it could be referring to
3. The oversized shower curtain that hangs in the little changing stall thing in the locker room. It is always plenty wide enough to provide privacy
4. Their pool is warmer than most
5. Very few really-in-shape-and-extremely-model-like folk work out there. They all go to the fancier gyms
6. No kids are allowed in the locker room. Call me Scrooge but at the end of the day I don't want to deal with small children frolicking about in the locker room
7. No one judges me for listing 7 things when I said I would give 4
8. No one in Zumba can dance
9. The lady in my dance aerobics class that looks just like Rice from the movie Beethoven.

Things I don't like about the YMCA...
1. Naked old ladies in the locker room. Seriously, the other day I went to the bathroom in the locker room, and when I came out there was this older lady showering in the stall by the toilet stalls and her shower stuff was sitting on a table across the room. So when she needed shampoo or soap she would just trot her nude self across the room to get it, then walk back to the shower. I actually had to say "excuse me" to walk by her to get to the pool. Gross!
2. The shower curtains on the shower stalls are never wide enough to cover the entrance. There are always large cracks in your stall coverage.
3. The toilets flush before you are done. And once they start flushing they will keep flushing until you leave. Pushy.

Things I have heard about from my students this week...
1. How Jimmy (fake name) got a black eye
2. Tommy (fake name) is going to the Alamo this weekend
3. Shirley's (fake name) dad had surgery yesterday, but he gets to come home today
4. Jenny (fake name) has a cat named Freddie Cruger
5. "Oops, sorry, just hit you with my mohawk"
6. "Jake (fake name) says your hair looks nice today. He was too scared to tell you."
7. One kid showed my part of the book he was reading and I am still laughing. It was one of those chapter books with funny comic-style pictures in it. The page he showed me was titled "delights you can find at a garage sale" and it listed "a box of old shoes that will go perfectly with your hobo outfit, a top-of-the-line washing maching door, and no-longer-legal kids' toys (beside which there was a picture of a rather pointy action figure who was called "Mr. Puncture"). I laughed.

Strange moments this week...
1. This morning I was standing with my back to the class and if I didn't know my kids were there I would have sworn I was alone cuz they were so quiet. Not typical for fifth graders in April.
2. One of my more... expressive... students wore a rather large gift wrap bow on her head as an accessory. I wanted to tell the PE teacher that while they were doing archery they could pretend they were William Tell and practice shooting it off her head.
3. In an essay one of my boys suggested that they be allowed to bring their balls to school. You know, soccer balls, foot balls...

All right, I am all listed out. Plus I am horrible at picking a number of things to list and sticking to it. Some things I only have two or three things to write, while others just keep on coming. But hey, at least I blogged. Take that Uncle Stephen!