Rock Star

For those of you who are connected to my bi-monthly twitter updates, you are aware that I got to go to a Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert last night. Totally amazing, I was (for the third time) blown away by the whole spectacle. What really entertained me was the style of all the performers. They were inhumanly talented as well as… well… cool! I made careful observations and here is what I have gathered for those of you who would like to be just like them someday.
If you want to be a rock star:
1. You must be beyond-fantastic in your field: instrumental or vocal. We are talking major virtuoso here.
2. You must have lusciously long hair that is styled in such a way that it will cascade down your shoulders and in front of your face at the slightest movement of your head, and then throw itself back into place with the easiest of head jerks. This goes for both men and women. (*WARNING! When trying this at home, be sure to stretch first so you don’t start your rock star career at the chiropractor).
3. Assume the rock stance: feet double shoulder width apart (slightly less if you are a girl), one forward and one in back so as to stabilize yourself since all the hair flicking and general rocking may throw you off-balance.
4. Begin to play, rocking back and forth to a slow rhythmic beat while effortlessly tossing your mane in a seductive kind of way.
5. Move around a lot. It’s a big stage, don’t be afraid to visit every part of it. Also be sure to visit your other musician friends on stage so you can rock together.
6. When rocking with another musician onstage, stand back to back and hold your instrument higher than normal while you play.
7. When standing near the edge of the crowd, point your finger, bow, or entire instrument at the crowd nearest you so as to achieve a higher level of noise and excitement.
8. For optimal cool points, you must be raised into the air or lowered from some high point somewhere in the show. Be sure to give yourself a solid rock stance to maintain balance, and don’t forget to keep flipping your hair around.
9. Wardrobe: Good rockers are well dressed. Men must wear a classic black suit complete with tails, and women must squeeze themselves into some sort of black stretch fabric. If you are concerned about unsightly curves, just pull your skirt up shorter or let that neckline plunge, no one will be looking anywhere else.
10. Finally, be prepared to endure extreme conditions: seizure-inducing strobe lights, tongues of fire, brain-rattling sound… a true rocker will take it all in stride.
-Ang